Angry or upset?

As I was about to go home, I wanted to call a girl-friend and talk about it. But there wasn’t one I could find on my phonebook I could call to talk about the day. I realised that was the case because I don’t call them for a chat enough. I mean, I don’t like showing the weaker side of me to anyone. Telling a guy how upset you are about your failure is like telling them directly you have trouble getting up. Maybe I would tell the woman I like but she doesn’t even pick up her phone or return my call – how can I do that?

The problem started this morning when I called her twice but she didn’t pick up (as expected). I was quite stressed. Then my feelings transformed into depression and finally turned into anger. I was furious of how someone can have a cell phone but not use it. Or use it but not return calls. I feel disgusted.

It was in my mind throughout the day and I couldn’t concentrate in class. I thought of going to pool to relax myself from all these repelling feelings on the missed calls that I dialed. If all goes well, it will boost me up and give me a better day… If not, it would actually worsen me. Indeed, as the game went on I felt shittier and shittier – and later hopeless, and lost. The turning point was when I had came back from 3 games down to winning 2 in a row. The next two games I almost had them bagged but in one game I scratched the eight-ball after potting five balls and in another I made a small mistake and lost both games. Two of the four losers pay for a table and I was no doubt one of them. It’s about momentum – as I was missing each shot my momentum fell  and I was thinking of the calls again and was discouraged of pool. But I didn’t drive and the game wasn’t done for the other table so I had to wait. The more I waited I felt more of a loser. In my mind I was thinking, if I had lost but my girl would have comforted me, everything would have evened out. But I am a failure for both so it had doubled the shock.

So I left early and my friend suggested splitting the bill. If we did, I would have cleaned out my only bit of dignity and felt nothing but trash. Like I said, I was walking endlessly feeling like the end of the world. Having to get back home myself and walk on hard insoles, it felt worse. I had trouble standing straight up because I had no energy to keep myself up to hang on anymore. I wanted to settle down my problem by calling a girl-friend but like I said I didn’t have any to do so. I couldn’t tell anyone how shitty I felt because they wouldn’t’ve understood it and usually give me typical cheer-up lines like “don’t think about it” or “don’t be like that” etc… The only way I can and do let my feelings out is through here. People may or may not read but that does not concern me. After spending about 40 quiet, lonely minutes of return trip back home, I was more able to stand up straight and withhold myself from today’s terrible loss – mainly due to the coldness. It was a lonely trip back indeed – I had spent a large portion of that time thinking.

On my final 50 or so steps, I thought how again in the end, it’s all about momentum. When something does not go your way, your confidence level will only go down. Upon something I haven’t ever succeeded, additional failures only add on to my pain and sorrow.  The next time I would only have less confidence and a lower success rate.

I’m not sure what else I can say but finalise the topic: am I upset because I had lost in both fields or angry because of those?

I can only tell myself to practise pool harder so I don’t lose as badly (or win it back, whichever way you prefer) and “not think too much” on the missed calls and try again another time.

~shuu.

Aside: Seeing this pic annoys me. Yes I am envious. I am not jealous because he hasn’t taken anything away from me. I just envy him for the fact that for the same objective he succeeded and I didn’t.

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